As we are coming up to the New Year, I thought of funny topics to write about and want to share with you some pieces of wisdom that I feel may help you, in your journey along this rocky road laughingly called “life”. As far as I can tell, life is what you make it and what you make of it. In my case,
perfection has almost been achieved. I say “almost” because to say that I am perfect would be rather bold and would imply that I have nothing left to learn. Nothing could be further from the truth! I am constantly learning (for example, Spanish at the moment) and would never be so presumptuous as to think that I know everything (although some might accuse me of being a “know-it-all”, but I put that down to jealousy, pure and simple).
But that is by the way; here is what I have learned this week, which I hope will be of some use in your own miserable and worthless existences (and please do not think that I insult you by referring to your lives in such words; I use them only in a sense relative to the almost blissful state in which I exist). (Again, note the use of the word “almost”, showing my true humility.)
If you decide to go on a diet for the New Year (or, as I prefer to say, starving yourself to death), you would be wise to buy a packet of six corned beef slices from your local supermarket rather than a packet of three, since there are fewer calories in each slice in the six-pack – in fact, 10 fewer calories per slice, saving you 60 calories in all! This difference in calories I regard as one of the great unsolved mysteries of the world.
If you visit a National Park with extensive grounds where the entrance is some distance from the car park, try to follow someone of “mature years” to the initial information point where she will ask if it is possible to have a lift on the electric buggy to the entrance. With luck (of which I have an inordinate amount), she will turn around and ask if you would also like a lift! I admit I may have been looking a little fragile (a practised look) and I may (just may) have exaggerated the limp slightly – so you accept (reluctantly, of course) and drag your younger friend along with you. At first your friend may be a little unhappy at being driven on what is, essentially, an oversized mobility scooter, but soon starts enjoying himself when we use the royal wave as we zoom past the hordes making their way to the entrance on foot. Indeed, he enjoyed himself so much that it was he who insisted on ordering the buggy for the return journey after we had spent an exhausting hour eating parsnip and apple soup and perusing the items for sale in the shop.
No calories were harmed in this activity.